Getting hold of us

What you describe is used to answer you and nothing else. It is not used to train any model, ours or anybody else’s, and it is never sold or shared for advertising.

There is also nothing to upload here. This service accepts no recordings and no photographs at all, so nothing from your room ever leaves it. Full detail on the privacy page.

The match runs against a fixed table of timing patterns in your own browser, so the same description always gives the same answer and you can see the reasoning stated in words. It is still a reading of what you have described, not a measurement of your record.

It has never seen the copy in your hands, your equipment or your room, and it says so on every result. Treat it as a way to narrow down who to ask, not as a verdict. See the AI notice.

You can cancel at any time from your billing page — the same number of clicks it took to subscribe, with no phone call and no email required.

You have 14 days to change your mind after subscribing, and another 14 days after each renewal. If you ask us to start the service straight away and tick the two boxes at checkout saying you understand that this ends your cancellation right, that right ends when the service starts. Both boxes are separate, neither is pre-ticked, and both are repeated in your order confirmation email. Full detail on cancellation and refunds.

Three plans, and that is all there is. There is no credit pack to buy, no top-up and no stored balance anywhere in this product. The allowance on your plan is a service usage allowance — it is not money, not stored value, cannot be redeemed for cash and is not transferable.

It resets each period and does not roll over. If you run out, the only option is a larger plan. You must be 18 or over to subscribe; under-18s may use the free plan with a guardian’s agreement. Prices are in US dollars and include VAT at 20%.

No. This service assigns no condition grade, no score, no star rating and no valuation, and it never will.

Second-hand trading already has its own established grading conventions. This service neither replaces them nor produces anything that could be quoted against them. It also covers no price, no market and no trading matter of any kind. If you ask it about grading or worth, it stops and says so instead of answering.

No. That is expressly prohibited.

Output from this service must not be used to return an item, make a claim or a complaint, publicly review a seller, or as evidence in any dispute between a buyer and a seller. It works out which class of source a noise belongs to; it has no view on any transaction and knows nothing about one. See the acceptable use policy.

No — and not because it would be difficult. There are three reasons.

First, the decisive information is where the record has turned to when the noise happens, and a recording carries no such reference. Something that repeats every 1.8 seconds and something that repeats every 2.4 seconds sound alike and mean entirely different things; the recording does not contain what tells them apart.

Second, drawing a conclusion from a recording would be passing judgement on the condition of your copy, which this service does not do.

Third, uploading a recording would send everything else in your room along with it. So there is no upload here at all, for audio or for photographs.

This service gives no figures and no steps for any equipment setting — not tracking force, not anti-skate, not azimuth, not anything else. It does not tell you how to fit, align or take apart any part of a deck.

Anything involving mains power, earthing or opening equipment needs someone qualified. This does not cover it and should not be used to work on it — when it detects that kind of question it stops rather than answering. It will say that cleaning can change a class of noise, but it will not tell you how to clean anything.